to share or not to share

I blogged a total of 23 times in the year 2012. That's less than what I did in just one month during many of the months when we first moved here. Wow. I find myself being more private these days. Don't know if it's an age thing or desiring privacy in the internet world or feeling that some share too much, which makes me desire to do the exact opposite. Probably a combination!

I had gone out to breakfast recently with a couple of friends and we were discussing Facebook. I think it was decided by them that I am too cynical about not sharing things! (Kevin would agree!) And I think WAY too much about how what I share will be perceived and if it could possibly be misinterpreted or hurt someone unintentionally. I also worry about people thinking that I am posting something solely for attention. I know that I cannot be responsible for people's reactions or their feelings toward it, but it is these thoughts that run through my head that stop me from sharing things. And then my mom and I were talking and said that if no one ever shared anything that there would be no need or use of Facebook. So somehow I need to find some balance. I am just too cynical. And as my friends reminded me, people love to rejoice and share in good things with you, so it's okay to share.

So in that vein, I guess I will share here that we are expecting again! I had blogged last month that November was crazy, and that was in part due to the fact that I spent 4 weeks on either modified bed rest or complete bed rest. I did some research and figured out what was causing my complications that caused me to be put on bed rest, and once we fixed that, I no longer had problems and was taken off bed rest. Everything seems to be going well so far! I am around 18 weeks now and due in June. :)

I just heard this today, and it resonated with me and kind of describes my November:

"The thing that wounds us is often the thing that God will walk us through again to heal us...God uses community to heal us from bad community." Mary DeMuth

November was a hard month...but it was also a great time of healing for me as well. The Lord made himself so evident to me after lying on the couch day after day or up in bed, and he surrounded me by friends and "family" here who really stepped up and helped. Again, I feel like I am becoming more private and sharing less with others (except for my closest friends and family), and I had planned on not really telling anyone that we were expecting until I was too far along to hide it. Partly that was due to the fact of our miscarriage last April and trying to protect myself from the fear of the future and the loss of another baby. But when one is put on bed rest when your closest family is across the ocean on another continent, well, it makes it kind of hard to keep it a secret.

Some friends offered to arrange meals for us, and despite me wanting to say no because of the inconvenience it would cause others to bring us meals, Kevin responded with a "yes" before I could say anything. (After all he was going to have to be doing everything, so it would definitely help him!) My kids are older now and are able to do lots themselves, so that was good. Seth was especially helpful. And people took my kids several times for me as well. Such a huge blessing!

And I was on bed rest on Thanksgiving, which meant no cooking or cleaning for me. Several different people made double of their dishes and dropped them off for us, making sure we had a full Thanksgiving meal. My dear friends Audrey (and her now husband Eric!) and Laura Lee (new high school math teacher this year) spent the entire day over here preparing, cooking, cleaning, etc. too. I felt useless and bad for just being on the couch, but everyone assured me it was okay. We had a lovely time, despite it not being what I had planned, which is a challenge for someone like me. :)

Seth and Kate are super excited about a new baby. Seth wants a boy, and Kate wants a girl. We hadn't planned on telling them right away either because Seth had a hard time understanding everything when I had a miscarriage, and even months later, he was still asking questions. But due to the way things happened, they found out around 8 weeks. Their prayers for their new brother or sister were precious!

I feel blessed by the friends the Lord has given me. My friends really prayed for me and encouraged me, and the ones who really know me well knew what to say. :) Being a part of the body of Christ is an amazing thing!

Kate with Miss Laura Lee, our new and dear friend!

I still need to do a bunch of catch up here on the blog. December had lots of ups and downs, but the Lord is always faithful. I am continually learning (or relearning) that the Lord's ways are better than mine, despite when I think I know better. But I will post some pictures from Christmas, which happened over three different days thanks to packages getting stuck in customs. Oh the joys!

consistent in inconsistencies

While the title of my post was not initially said of my blogging skills, it does refer to them as well. Remember that first year or two where I blogged all the time? Hard to remember. :) I've blogged about it now and why the less frequent blogging as life has gone on these last 6 years. So yes, I am consistent in my inconsistent blogging. (And in communication in general!) I apologize. :)

That comment, however, was initially made in reference to our dealings with governmental affairs here. And while I am sure it is true of every government on the face of the earth, it is this one that I am now most familiar. But as they say, all's well that ends well, right? It is just never without adventure. And, oh yeah, lots of inconsistencies! And this time it was all over a sticker for our license plate that cost approximately $14. So grateful for my dear friend Timi who spent nearly an entire day with me and helping me do this, due to my great lack of Hungarian in this realm.

But right now I feel like life is happening all around me and that I am on the outside of it and just watching it go on around me. This is not because I don't want to be a part of life, just the way it seems to be happening. Perhaps it's because I feel so overwhelmed by all I have been learning this semester in Ephesians. I have blogged about that a few times, but this past week we finished up the book with ending with the armor of God. And once again, John MacArthur's sermons on these were so powerful and shed so much light into all of that. A whole new understanding for me, and I feel like I have had to step outside of life to really understand and contemplate these things.

Recently I had been asked to do a very menial task that was inconsequential to most, and I was bothered about this thing I had been asked to do and did not want to do it. And then Kevin so graciously suggested that I do it for the Lord and not anyone else. And we have discussed this in Ephesians, too. Oh the sinful and selfish nature of our souls is a constant battle. A good reminder that we are to do ALL things unto him. And thankful for a husband who loves me enough to tell me that.

Two weeks ago a family from our home church in Ohio lost their five year old son in a car accident caused by a drunk driver in the middle of the afternoon. And then last week with the tragic loss of life in Connecticut, well, I feel my heart is heavy and burdened for all of these families. Our kids had a couple of rough days with getting along and behaving and obeying. And while I was frustrated with this happening time and time again, I found myself thanking the Lord through all of the small battles. Amazing the perspective we have suddenly.

My prayer is that my perspective would be one that is always focused on eternity. I wish I could say that it was all the time, but it's not. Sometimes it takes your own just-turned-five year old son to remind you of some of these things. And of course it's always at bedtimes. :)

Lots more to catch up on here as we had quite an eventful November. And some pictures too. But that will have to be for another night.

i don't talk politics

I don't talk politics, not because I don't care but because it's too heated. And I hate heated talks. And I get flustered or mad or don't even know what to say because I get mad or flustered. I am no good at debating. :)

But in light of another historic election yesterday, I have two things to say:

1. The whole world watches the elections in the US. Seriously, the whole world, which boggles my mind. Most Americans can't name anyone in power in any country, yet they all still watch us. Four years ago, we had been at the mall for one reason or another, and a couple people who know me (mainly Iranians, but that's a whole other story!) immediately asked me about the election and Obama being elected President. They wanted to know my thoughts. And yesterday when we were out, I was immediately asked about it by two Hungarians again. Interesting.

(Side note: I've been reading some really disturbing things going on in Hungary in regards to elections. This of course coming as an outsider in this nation, but I am struggling to understand some actions that are so ungodly. Prayers for all the nations of the world!)

2. My favorite post on Facebook in response to last night's election went something like this: To all of the Republicans who are threatening to leave the country, can I share with you about the many wonderful opportunities to serve overseas?!

I thought that was awesome.

Thus ends my political talk. :)

tidbits

I have started blogging a couple times and have been interrupted for one reason or another and just haven't come back to do it. And I keep thinking that I should start one and finish it later, but then I come back to it not in the same train of thought...so I start over again. I guess this one will just be random tidbits.

1. We love Johnny's Bistro. It's a new little American restaurant that opened up in Diósd this summer, and it is fantastic. It's affordable, super close, and serves great food. They actually have good burgers, a rare commodity in Hungary to say the least. I never ordered burgers when we lived in America. And now, it's all I think about when we go home and out to eat! It's amazing what you suddenly appreciate when you don't have it. But now that we have Johnny's, I might not be in such a hurry to have my first meal from Red Robin. :)

2. I am just loving our study of Ephesians. This week in particular I was really convicted about what unity looks like and what I do or don't do to be unified in the body of Christ. John MacArthur (yes, him again, going through his whole sermon series on Ephesians, and it's great!) said this about unity that has stuck with me: "The way to stimulate unity in the church is by a faithful ministry of your gifts to the other members. The way to stimulate unity in the church is by getting involved so that what you are in the Spirit of God and what you are by the saving grace of Jesus Christ can make a contribution to what somebody else needs." Never thought of unity in that way before really.

3. Another thing that I have been learning through many studies on the books that Paul wrote but specifically in Ephesians now is that mental comprehension is essential before spiritual application. We can't renew our minds and live our lives to look more like Christ if we really don't understand things first. Paul taught the foundations and made sure (through lots of repetition) that they understood it, and then he prayed for them and that they would be transformed by these things. And I have been thinking that as a parent as well. My children need to know and understand things before they can apply them to their lives. My head sometimes hurts with the thoughts of all that I am doing wrong or not doing enough of, and I am so grateful that God is gracious despite what I do wrong!

From last month when it was a lot warmer :)

4. Seth seems to ask all of these deep theological questions at bedtime. And I really don't think it's to stall...and well, if it is, then he sure has fooled me! We do talk a bit because I don't want to always brush him off just because it's bed time, and it seems then that his mind is wondering about things the most. But trying to explain the concept of the Trinity at bedtime to an almost 5 year old (yes, almost five, where did the time go?!!!) is next to impossible. And tonight he was asking about why people who don't love Jesus go to hell, well, not really why they go to hell but why don't they love Jesus in the first place. And before I could say anything, he said, "I think it's because they want to be like God. They want to make all the decisions, and they don't like it when they aren't getting to do everything their way." Seriously, that's what he said. Bingo, buddy.

Typical Europe...big old beautiful churches that my kids run around (in our town!)

 5. And also, Seth has been thinking through why we live in Hungary and has been asking a lot of questions in regards to this. Why do we live in Hungary? How much longer are we going to live in Hungary? How will you know when God tells us to move? Did you know that some kids live near their grandparents and can see them all the time without having to go on lots of airplanes? Wouldn't it be great if we could live by our grandparents? Wouldn't it be cool to live in places like America where there aren't gates and fences at every house? And the list goes on and on. And he asks these things all of the time. I don't know what caused all of this other than that maybe he is old enough now to understand. Kate doesn't really understand any of it yet, but Seth does. And he has suddenly been concerned about how long we are going to live here and what will happen next. I told him that God told us he wants us here and that we will be here until he tells us to go somewhere else. And what next? Well, we will have to wait for God to tell us! He keeps asking when we will know. And I'm not saying this just to make the grandparents feel better, but he sure is having a hard time being so far away from them right now. Oh, that precious boy!

Kate and I rode on public downtown one day. She was so sweet!

6. Not to leave Kate out... She is hilarious (and sweet!). I don't think a few hours go by without me laughing about something she has said or done. She is starting to get at that age when she realizes she can be funny and then can try too hard, which of course isn't funny. But when she isn't trying, she seriously makes us laugh. One of our favorite questions to ask her is "Why, Kate?" And she always says, "Betuz..." and then usually her answer made absolutely no sense in regards to the question, but now she is getting better at it. And her reasoning behind things is hysterical. I wish I could get inside her brain.

Back from immigration...with a dinosaur drawing and a stick

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7. We went to immigration two weeks ago to reapply for a new residency permit for Seth. As always, nothing is as quick and easy as it should be, but we walked out with the hope of receiving his new visa in two more weeks. If not, I signed a document saying we would have to leave the Schengen Region of the EU. Not anticipating having to do that, but I don't remember having to sign a paper like that before. Maybe I did though. It's been awhile. But while we sat in immigration for hours upon hours (no joke), I had a lot of time to think more about Ephesians and that we are all heirs of God's kingdom, that we are no longer foreigners, that we already belong! How wonderful! And that I did nothing for it...all a gift because of God's love for us and because of his grace.

8. We bought a new vehicle last month!!! We didn't have a car our first year, bought a car for $500 off of a family moving back that lasted the next two years, and then we didn't know what we were going to do. And then a family was going back to the US to raise support and asked us if we wanted to borrow their car for the year they were gone. Amazing answer to prayer! Well, that one year turned into a little more than two years. We started looking at cars last spring, and we were discouraged. We knew we wanted a van if possible because with kids' car seats, we really can't fit anyone else in our car. And we are the only ones in our mission with a car, making it kind if difficult to help others sometimes. But the prices of vans are astronomical. After saving for the last few years, the kind of van we could afford was too old and had too high of mileage to be able to drive without having to pay for lots of repairs. Very discouraging. And then a family here had to move back to the US earlier than they had planned and was selling their van...and for much less than we had saved. Of course the van is older and has a ton of miles, but we have been slowly fixing the things that need fixing to make it last. And we had extra savings to do that thanks to the low selling price. So grateful for the Lord's continual provision in our lives. SO grateful.

Seth really wanted to hold the youngest of their three children, Analisse!

9. Two weeks ago we had the pleasure of getting together with a family who is in the process of support raising to come minister at ICSB. They came to visit and check it out, and we got together. Actually, we have been emailing back and forth for about a year and a half now, so it was a pleasure to finally meet and chat in person. For some reason I have been the contact person for families moving here with young children. I have talked with so many, whether or not they are coming to the school. I feel like I don't have much to offer, but I am glad to be of help. Navigating some of these things can be tricky, but I feel like it has gotten easier over the years. I'm sure there are many factors contributing to that, but again, overwhelmed by God's provision for us all of these years.

Seth took this picture with my phone of Tina and me planning over the weekend!

10. I have been having lots of fun planning things for my dearest friend Audrey who is getting married two months from tomorrow(!!!). I wish more than anything that I could be in Illinois for her wedding, but tickets are too much. I will be there in spirit. :) I will be throwing a reception for Eric and her when they return in January, with plenty of help from others but mainly the other high school English teacher Tina. Really excited for them! And because my kids have always lovingly called her Uncle Audrey, her fiance is now called Auntie E. It confuses some people, but it works for us. We love Uncle Audrey and Auntie E!

I think ten tidbits are enough for now. I'm surprised if anyone is still reading, especially my sister. Do you appreciate the pictures I put in there? Congrats for making it through. :)

what you fail to do

"Sin is failure to hit God's target...Sin is coming short of glorifying God...Sin is really not an issue of what you do but of what you fail to do. It is that you fail to come to the glory of God."

I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur (one he did in 1978 before I was born!) last week and wrote down that quote. Things in my mind really came together after reading that, and I have been pondering it a lot.

My personality is one in which I desire to obey and follow rules. As I often told my second graders back in the day when I was teaching, obedience is "doing what you are told with a happy submissive spirit." (This was our school's definition of the character trait.) And while I am obedient on the outside and can follow the rules, I do not always do it with a happy, submissive spirit on the inside, which means I am just as guilty of disobedience as the person next to me who doesn't obey in action on the outside.

So as I have been pondering just how awful my sin is, this definition of sin by MacArthur has really made sense to me. In my human, finite mind, I have always wondered how all sin is the same in God's eyes while I see some sins (such as taking another man's life) much worse than other sins (such as not doing something with a happy, submissive spirit). And while I know that God's ways are higher than mine and that I certainly won't understand everything, this went a long way in helping me better understand all sin. Anything that fails to bring glory to God is sin. Period.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

I have been contemplating this in many different ways, not just in the all of the ways that I knew were already sinful, but even in little things that I never bothered to think about as sin. As you can imagine, there is no end to examining the sinfulness in your life, and while it can feel so depressing and defeating, I feel ever more grateful for Christ's death on the cross to save me!

not perfect but increasing

I am continuing to feel overwhelmed by all that I am learning about who God is and how wretched of a sinner I am. God is so gracious to be revealing things to me in my life slowly but surely, rather than just turning a barrel upside down and drowning me in my sinfulness and ugliness. He shows me bits and pieces here and there, and as soon as I feel like I have grown in that area, I realize I have a long way to go. But Christ has not given up on me, and I know he will not ever. As my mom likes to quote Pastor James MacDonald, I am "not perfect but increasing." Well, I certainly hope I am increasing! :) And we will never attain perfection this side of heaven. So long as we are growing...

In the midst of so much uncertainty in life, I am amazed right now to feel washed over in a great peace. I know none of us knows what tomorrow holds, and it seems like the world gets to be a scarier place each day, but I can feel the Lord again gently leading me to peace in him. He has continued to reveal to me where I find my security, and if it's not in him, then it is sin. And although life was never promised to be easy and we all certainly are going to experience trials and grief, our peace in life and in these struggles comes from knowing who God is, what he can do, and that all things are for his glory. So while I do struggle and confess these things to the Lord, he is showing me continually that my security in this life is to be in him, not in anything else. And when I am really trusting in God, I feel peace in these times. Of course I am a sinner and struggle with this daily, so unfortunately, this peace is not always constant. "Not perfect but increasing"

And the topic of predestination has been on the forefront of my mind lately too, in thanks partly to the study of Ephesians. Kevin was chatting about it the other day, too. And it reminds me of middle school where I seriously cried over it. My parents only received three phone calls at home from teachers in my 13 years of school before college, and one was from Mr. Dirkse in 7th grade. I was quite distraught over several things in Bible class, and I left in tears. Anyway, one thing I really wrestled with was the idea of predestination and how God could choose some and not others. And how can I have free will to choose if I was already chosen? How can God be sovereign and I still have a choice? Why didn't he choose everybody? I thought he didn't want any to perish! Oh, the agony I went through in trying to make sense of it all, and now, almost 20 years later, I still don't understand it. :) What I do know is that God does predestine us, that he chose us before the creation of the world from his own will and pleasure, not based on anything human. I also know that we have a choice to love God with all of our heart or to reject him. How those two work together, well, I just don't know. And at some point in time, I decided that somehow it works and that I just don't understand how. Then I left it at that. I felt like it was my cop out answer, but I really couldn't get my mind to wrap around this idea.

Skip ahead to a few months ago listening to several John MacArthur sermons on Ephesians:

"The doctrine of election is a doctrine that is hard to be understood. And we must remember Deuteronomy 29:29 - 'The secret things belong to the Lord.' And Isaiah says - 'That His ways are higher than our ways.' We have to rest in that. Because we're not going to be able to understand this."

Oh, so much more on this topic of course, but we are not meant to be able to understand this. So maybe my answer of not being able to understand is not a cop out! Anyway, I still cannot explain it, and I still don't know how to explain it to others, especially those who are not believers. But this is where I have to rest in God's sovereignty and in knowing that he knows. His ways are higher than mine. And his ways are perfect.

My ways are certainly not perfect, nor is my understanding. And my life is far from perfect. "Not perfect but increasing." :) To God be all glory for any growth and for everything!

lean not on your own understanding

I've written this post three different times, but it never came out right. I'm trying for a fourth time. :)

I have been learning a lot about how little I know. Of course that shouldn't come as a surprise, but after feeling like I was spending quite a bit of time complaining to the Lord about life not going the way I thought it should and then feeling guilty for talking to the Creator of the universe in that way...and wrestling with the desires of my heart and the Lord's will...and being caught up in the emotions of feeling guilty for complaining to the Lord about these things...and then feeling a literal wave of peace wash over me (most incredibly feeling of the manifestation of God!) and being overwhelmed with Christ's love for me...that he CHOSE me before the beginning of time... Well, I have just been learning a lot.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6 have been my life verses. I never sat down and decided these would be my life verses, but they just became the mantra of my days.

But in recent weeks, the Lord has been getting a hold of my attention with the phrase "lean not on your own understanding." I like to think that my plan is best, and while I believe that God's plan is better, I don't always live my life in a way that communicates that. Those who know me know that I like to have a plan and know what step comes next, and the Lord seems to keep teaching me over and over again that my plan is not his.

I am preparing for co-leading a Bible Study to start later this month in the book of Ephesians, and I am loving reading and listening to John MacArthur and John Piper. This whole "co-lead a Bible study" is completely out of my comfort zone and something that I feel totally inadequate to do, but I was asked to pray about it last spring and really felt like this is what the Lord wanted me to do, even if it wasn't in MY plan to do this. (I mean part of my hesitation is that it is for women. I don't even feel adequate to lead a study for students where I at least have more life experience than them or something, but this is with peers. Anyway, you can be praying about that for me.)

Back to what I wanted to say. I can't help but read Ephesians and feel like a million bucks, you know, learning just how much God loves me since before there was time. And that everything was created to bring glory to him. Everything we do should bring glory to him. The whole purpose is HIM. I was convicted about stupid little things I do and have been challenged to think if I am doing this thing for HIM. Are MY plans about HIM? Surely his plans are. :)

So as I go about my day, I am trying to consciously "lean not on my own understanding" and trusting in the Lord's plan, all while trying to do my day-to-day life in a way that would glorify him. And I sure am glad and super grateful for Christ's grace as I make mistake after mistake, so glad that his "mercies are new every morning." One day at a time, one decision at a time, one moment at a time.

the many faces of

Horsey Grandma might kill me for putting these up, but I live far enough away to not have to worry about it. :) We were out to eat on the lake, and I captured these. This series of pictures makes me smile.

I didn't even realize Seth's finger was up his nose when I took this picture. Ha! And Kate down there is eating Tractor Grandpa's lemon. My kids are pretty good eaters, and they like some of the weirdest food too. Can't complain! :)