april 21 did not happen like i had wanted

This weekend did not go as planned. Funny how my plans are not always the Lord's plans.

While we were excited to soon share the news of welcoming baby #3 into our family, the Lord decided that He wanted that baby with him. I had a lot of conversations with the Lord before that, telling him that I knew this baby was his whether or not he wanted to give it to us. And while I believed the same thing during my pregnancies with Seth and Kate, I never felt that strong of a burden to pray in this manner like I did this time. I was 11 weeks when I miscarried on Saturday.

The plan was to do a D&C on Monday at the hospital. But things did not go as planned, and we wound up at the hospital Sunday afternoon where they did everything that night. I won't go into gross details or anything, but I'm glad it's over. Sunday was truly an awful day on so many levels. And there were several weird cultural moments there, which I can honestly laugh about now but that were just not funny at the time... Oh, Hungary, how I love you. :)

I have come to realize that I have been blessed with a great Hungarian doctor. I got to see a different side of him as he dealt with unhappy news this time around. He was very kind and sensitive to me. He was wonderful.

Most people did not even know I was pregnant, but now just about everyone knows we lost the baby. I have received so many texts, emails, and messages from people in the last few days to express their deepest sympathy and their love for us. Situations like this make being away from family so miserable, but I have felt especially loved and cared for my so many. I feel so blessed.

Super grateful for friends who want to chat, who offer me distractions, who borrow cars (or let someone else borrow their car) to pick my kids up from the hospital as I go into surgery, who watch my kids, who make me food, who pray for me and/or with me, who send texts of specific prayers, who write just to see how I am, who also allow me the time and space not to immediately respond... The list could go on. I feel overwhelmed in a good way.

I am grateful for my kids who don't really understand what's going on but who have showered me with hugs and kisses when they see me cry. For Seth who has been praying that God would help the baby to grow so that it wouldn't die, even though it already had. For Kate who lovingly caresses whatever ligament of mine she is near as she says over and over, "I lub you, Mom."

I am thankful for Kevin, who is such an excellent father already and who was really looking forward to having another one, who has done just about everything around the house the last few days as I was resting, in pain, or just sleeping, who has held my hand (literally and figuratively) through it all, who doesn't make me feel bad for complaining or crying, who allows me to chat and externally process, who listens to me say the same things over and over, who makes me take help even when I feel bad for needing it, who spends the night in the hospital with me so I wouldn't be alone, who still manages to make me laugh, who shares with me that I spoke Hungarian to a nurse while I was still not awake from the anesthesia... Oh again the list could go on!

I had always hoped I would be spared the pain of a miscarriage, but I know the Lord will heal this pain in his time. My doctor informed me that it was due to a chromosomal abnormality, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening or changing the outcome. It is because of God's rich mercy that he took this baby to be home with him before it could suffer. So it is a blessing now, and I will see him or her one day in heaven.

I did get to thinking the other day just how much pain the Lord has spared me from in this life. Although life is still going at this exact moment and I have no idea what the future holds, I haven't experienced much pain or loss. But it is funny that, except for the death of one of my grandfathers when I was nine years old, any deaths of loved ones have happened while I have been in Hungary sometime in the last 14 years. But God has never left, and although there are times of loneliness and desiring to be anywhere but here, I have truly felt his arms wrap around me.

My dear friends have been so kind and caring and asking how I feel. "I'm riding the waves." One moment I really do feel fine, and then another moment I feel like crying. Seth has been asking so many questions, even reminding me that he can pray and ask God to make the baby grow still because "God can do anything, Mom!" Oh, so true my little man. And he has asked about a dozen times when we can have another baby. What a precious boy he is!

Anyway, I had debated about sharing any of this, but I decided to go ahead and do so. Everyone on this side of the ocean knows, and word is spreading on the other side of the Atlantic as well. We so appreciate all of the prayers on our behalf. We are certainly grateful that we serve a God who is so powerful and able to do anything beyond what we can comprehend, a God who loves us more than anything and desires to be with us. Our baby just got to be with him sooner. And he or she is with some other really awesome people now, too. :) I have never been able to comprehend how people go through life without a relationship with our Savior. So grateful that I don't have to think about that because I serve a risen Savior! Thank you for all of the love, support and prayers. It truly means the world to us!