trust

There are a few things that I wanted to point out that I didn't before in talking about feeling called to stay here in Hungary...

The first part is in regards to the stress of making a decision. Because the Lord seemed for so long to not specifically answering our prayer as to whether we should stay or go, we (along with others we sought counsel from) believed that maybe it didn't matter to the Lord where we went, of course so long as we serve him and bring him glory in either place. Because sometimes it really doesn't matter. Everything is not always black and white, despite how much my rule follower self wished it was so.

While that might seem like a good thing, it added more stress for us. One reason is because Kevin and I were not in agreement about what we should do. I wanted to go, and Kevin wanted to stay. Had we both agreed on which direction to take, the Lord not clearly directing towards one path or the other would not have been as stressful. But because we disagreed, it just complicated matters. Oh so many tears!

I had a conversation with one of my grandmas about this months and months ago when I was telling her all of my fears of staying AND leaving, all of my stress about staying AND leaving. She asked me if I was willing to sacrifice what I wanted to stay here because Kevin felt that this was what we should do. After all, he is the head of our family. :) I told her that I was but that I would most definitely need the Lord to give me a peace about that. And then she also asked me if Kevin loved me enough that he would be willing to sacrifice the job he loves here so that we could return home for my sake. And I told her that I knew he would. She said to me, "Then I don't think there's a problem. If you're both willing to sacrifice for the other person, then it's just a matter of asking the Lord to make it clear." Well, and we all know now that he did...just months later beyond the "deadline" we had to let the school know of our intentions. :) Thankful that the school was so gracious to us in extending that deadline for as long as we needed.

It seems silly, but I have felt the Lord caring for even little details that only matter to me and are really quite stupid in the scope of eternity. But his love for me in these details makes me smile.

I have been asking the Lord for the last year what point is there for me to be here, because what I do here I could do at home. I am a wife and a mom. And the Lord has brought several women into my life these last few months to encourage me in that area. I had written months ago that I really felt encouraged in my job as a mom, and part of that was such a huge answer to prayer. While I am involved in other things here and there, I have often felt guilty that I make my family a priority, and the Lord has just confirmed to me through his Word (WOW has he been speaking to me so much in the Old Testament!) what an important job that is.

Even though I feel at peace about staying, I am still really worried about so much. And I continually find myself giving that worry to God...even moments after I just prayed to him about it because it really is a struggle for me almost every waking minute. Yes, I realize that seems ridiculous, but now you know how to pray for me. And I/we appreciate and covet those prayers. Still so many details and decisions that are unclear to us, but we are trusting that the Lord will make these clear to us as well. Trust. Trust. Trust. :)